I was that little girl who always said that I wanted to me a mommy when I grew up. Being the oldest of six kids, and a family that did foster care I found myself always around kids. I couldn’t imagine my life without children in it. And as I grew up I thought that I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. And so that was my dream….. to be a mommy and a pediatric nurse.
Fast forward to my first pregnancy. I unexpectedly found myself pregnant and was over the moon excited. I couldn’t wait to be a mom. Couldn’t wait to hold that baby in my arms. Couldn’t wait to smell them and kiss them and love them. I prayed for a healthy baby, and didn’t care whether it was a boy or a girl. And then I had the miscarriage and thought that my world was coming to an end. I was beyond devastated. I couldn’t imagine that God had anything else for me besides being a mom.
And so began my desperate prayers that God give me children to love. Whether they were my own or someone else’s, didn’t matter. I just needed to pour that love into someone. And so then I was pregnant again. And that pregnancy was filled with so many complications. I remember just begging God to allow this child to live. To allow him to live. As the pregnancy progressed I just kept harping on that it didn’t matter if it was a boy or a girl but that it was healthy.
When I held my sweet Samuel for the first time my heart was filled to overflowing. And I was just so incredibly thankful to have him. As we finally were discharged from NICU I could see my whole life playing out before me. I would be a soccer mom, or a football mom. I would be the volunteer in the classroom, I would be the mom that always had playdates and crafts. I was so thankful to God for this incredible gift. And then it happened…… my whole world changed. My prayers for a “healthy child” were not the prayer that was answered.
As I have walked this road of being a mom to chronically ill children my mindset has changed. Where I started was “God I just want him or her to be healthy and happy.” And what they prayer evolved into was much more than that it was “God more than anything I want them to know you and your love, and Lord I want them to know my love. ”
This road has NEVER been easy but I wouldn’t change even one thing., except the financial struggle of having medical kids. But you know my kids are truly compassionate loving sensitive kids who accept others and don’t judge others for being differently abled. They are proud to be helpful and kind. Their hearts hurt when others are hurting. They try to be inclusive and kind to the children’ that are left out.
Would I love to be that soccer mom? Yes sure. But the lessons that this road have taught my family are absolutely priceless. When I see my sweet little guys raising their hands as they are singing praise and worship, when my children weep over those that are hurting and lost, when they are able to look on someone with unending compassion, then I know that this is the exact life that we are meant to live. This life, this journey, is molding us, shaping us into the vessels that GOD wanted us to be, not what I wanted us to be.
So when God doesn’t answer your prayer the way you expected or desired realize that HIs answers are life altering and that He has no ill will towards you. He will make your life beautiful., The life might be messy, and overwhelming and utterly exhausting, but HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL. HE has and He will.
Beautifully Blessed 