A new journey

This past week we were informed that the owner of the house we are renting wants to sell. To say I was blindsided would be a complete understatement. Sure we thought about buying another house as this rental wasn’t supposed to be long term for us. But right now? The thought is overwhelming. And then on Monday our pediatrician reported that she wanted me to take Sam to an endocrinologist, to determine whether his adrenal glands are functioning properly. And then the next day our immunologist called and said that they wondered if Paisley’s white blood cells weren’t functioning appropriately.

And I literally was like “Hey God? Are you there? This definitely is too much.” And then by His goodness He started revealing Himself to me. I can’t tell you how many songs about being overwhelmed or scared, have been blazing throughout my brain continuously. He keeps reminding me every day that He is walking this with me. I honestly have no idea what the future or even tomorrow holds, but I know that HE does. And I am standing on His promises. Knowing that He will open and close the doors that need to be opened and closed.

In other news my sweet PJ decided that she was no longer scared about having her IV put in. And this week when it was put in she was just as brave as she could be without shedding a tear. Sweet little super girl! And a really cool foundation donated a new virtual reality headset that she got to try out . It was so fun watching her reach at things that only could see, or watching her tip completely sideways in the bed. SO SO FUNNY!!!!

Beautifully Blessed

A lot of times in this life, people question, why something does or doesn’t happen. They question whether they are being punished, whether God is mad at them, whether the universe hates them, etc. I always find it so interesting to hear people talk about life in those ways. It often makes me sad. I am an optimistic person by nature, it is easy for me to look on the bright side and try to see the good in certain situations.
But I will be honest, when I had a miscarriage, and then had a very terrible pregnancy the whole time I was pregnant I kept saying “I don’t care what it is as long as it is healthy.” That was my motto. That was how I got through the endless vomiting, the hospital admissions, the surgery while pregnant, the severe eclampsia and HELLP syndrome and complications. And then I had my sweet Samuel Lee. His name means, “shelter from the storm” and “God has heard.”
And then he began to be ill. Began to have all kinds of illnesses, scary things kept happening. Numerous hospital admissions, and specialists, and scary diagnosis. And finally a diagnosis of an immune deficiency. And I remember feeling terrified and overwhelmed, but at the same time feeling relieved that we finally had an answer.
I remember people questioning me and my faith. I remember people making comments about just needing to pray harder and that God would heal him. I remember being told that if my faith was strong my child would be healed. And in those moments of such hurt from those comments God came to me. And He explained things to me in a way that my aching momma heart couldn’t grasp without His supernatural help.
We have not been promised that this life will be easy. We have not been promised health, wealth or happiness. But we have been promised that HE will be with us through it all and that HE will comfort us as we allow Him.
Honestly? Yes I pictured myself as a soccer mom running here and there to games and practices and just living a busy life. But that is not the life that I am called to live. God has called me to have these amazing children. And instead of running here and there to games and practices, I am running here and there to doctor’s appointments, hospitals for infusions and specialists all over the place.
But you know what? I wouldn’t change it. My kids are truly compassionate loving souls who have genuine love and caring hearts for those that are hurting. They know what it is like to feel sick and scared, they have no problem praying for people who are sick, for comforting others who are hurting. They have no problem talking to God like HE is right beside them. And that is worth more than any soccer game that we miss!
I didn’t picture this life, I didn’t picture the financial struggles, the health struggles, the exhaustion and uncertainty. But I also didn’t picture my 4 children at incredibly young ages having the faith that they have, having the relationship to talk with their heavenly Father that they do. It is amazing. And nothing is more important than them having eternity to with their Heavenly Father.
I don’t know your situation. I don’t know your hurts and struggles. I don’t know the fears that you have. But I do know that without a doubt that God can use ANY SITUATION for His glory! Be blessed! Have faith! Find a person to pray with, encourage you and share your heart with. God can bring you through whatever you are struggling with. This life can be overwhelming I know, but He gives us what we need to thrive and be BEAUTIFULLY BLESSED

2019

Happy New Year! A new year filled with promise, filled with hope. A year with such potential. I have so very much to be thankful for. It is so often we get caught up in the mundane day to day life of being a parent, of being a spouse, of being a worker….. we get caught up in the laundry, and the cleaning, the homework, and the cooking. We get stuck underneath the overwhelming daunting to do lists. I am right there with you. This last year has been a tremendous struggle for me.

My husband was injured in January and was out of work….. the financial repercussions of that are still being felt in our family. My children’s medical issues, fluctuated throughout the year, leading to new doctors visits, a surgery and different and more time consuming medical care. The financial burden led me to getting another job in which I was working more than 60 hours a week. The pace was incredibly overwhelming and exhausting, not to mention missing my kids growing.

This last year, there were many tragedies, much heartbreak, and incredible sadness felt by people I care about. But you know what else there was? Incredible joy, God’s provision for WHATEVER was needed, laughter, adventures, lots and lots of snuggles with my babies and so much more.

2018 will go down as a trying year, but it will also go down as a year, where God showed up whenever we allowed Him to. He provided whatever was needed whenever it was needed. And I am eternally grateful.

I am not sure what 2019 will bring for certain. But I do know that God will walk through it with me, and that if I allow Him, He will carry the burden. My hope in 2019 is to be a stronger woman of faith, the wife that God has called me to be, the mother that God has called me to be, and the friend/sister/daughter/Christian God has called me to be.

If you have a need, and you would like prayer please feel free to share this with me, and I will get praying. God moves mountains!!!! You are NOT ALONE

Beauty amongst the chaos

Life is crazy and busy and beautiful. I am working two jobs currently trying to get some medical bills paid down. I am raising four incredibly beautiful wonderful talented children. I am a wife a mom a nurse and a child of God. And I struggle ALOT. But recently in this phase of life God has shown himself to me over and over again. Whether it is in the kind words and encouragement of a friend, whether it is extra snuggles from my family, whether it is a babysitter who has gone above and beyond loving my babies while I am working…….God keeps showing me that He can make it all beautiful. I was frustrated with the kids dressers, my sitter took it upon herself to reorganize it all. I was frustrated trying to find a used piano for our house for our daughter for lessons, one was given to us for free. I was overwhelmed with my work schedule, and the schedule was changed to accommodate me.

It really is hard sometimes from the moment to moment stressors of daily life, but when you take a step back you can see God in all of it. I cannot even fathom surviving and thriving without Him. My brother and his wife were just here visiting from Texas and they were so blessed to hear my kids singing worship music each morning. THAT my friends is what it is all about. It doesn’t matter that life is crazy, it doesn’t matter that you are exhausted or overwhelmed at times. What matters is that you give God the room in your life to move, and that you let His light shine on others. My babies? They KNOW HIM! And that is what it is all about. My sweet little kiddos are getting it.

Keep your eyes on the prize. Don’t get buried under your mountain of laundry, the sticky gob of toothpastes all over your bathroom, the smudges on your mirrors and stickers on your windows. Realize that these fleeting moments are just a way for God to show Himself to us in every task that mother hood can through our way. REST! Put your feet up! The dust and laundry will keep until tomorrow.

When those childhood dreams aren’t at all what you had expected…

I was that little girl who always said that I wanted to me a mommy when I grew up. Being the oldest of six kids, and a family that did foster care I found myself always around kids. I couldn’t imagine my life without children in it. And as I grew up I thought that I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. And so that was my dream….. to be a mommy and a pediatric nurse.

Fast forward to my first pregnancy. I unexpectedly found myself pregnant and was over the moon excited. I couldn’t wait to be a mom. Couldn’t wait to hold that baby in my arms. Couldn’t wait to smell them and kiss them and love them. I prayed for a healthy baby, and didn’t care whether it was a boy or a girl. And then I had the miscarriage and thought that my world was coming to an end. I was beyond devastated. I couldn’t imagine that God had anything else for me besides being a mom.

And so began my desperate prayers that God give me children to love. Whether they were my own or someone else’s, didn’t matter. I just needed to pour that love into someone. And so then I was pregnant again. And that pregnancy was filled with so many complications. I remember just begging God to allow this child to live. To allow him to live. As the pregnancy progressed I just kept harping on that it didn’t matter if it was a boy or a girl but that it was healthy.

When I held my sweet Samuel for the first time my heart was filled to overflowing. And I was just so incredibly thankful to have him. As we finally were discharged from NICU I could see my whole life playing out before me. I would be a soccer mom, or a football mom. I would be the volunteer in the classroom, I would be the mom that always had playdates and crafts. I was so thankful to God for this incredible gift. And then it happened…… my whole world changed. My prayers for a “healthy child” were not the prayer that was answered.

As I have walked this road of being a mom to chronically ill children my mindset has changed. Where I started was “God I just want him or her to be healthy and happy.” And what they prayer evolved into was much more than that it was “God more than anything I want them to know you and your love, and Lord I want them to know my love. ”

This road has NEVER been easy but I wouldn’t change even one thing., except the financial struggle of having medical kids. But you know my kids are truly compassionate loving sensitive kids who accept others and don’t judge others for being differently abled. They are proud to be helpful and kind. Their hearts hurt when others are hurting. They try to be inclusive and kind to the children’ that are left out.

Would I love to be that soccer mom? Yes sure. But the lessons that this road have taught my family are absolutely priceless. When I see my sweet little guys raising their hands as they are singing praise and worship, when my children weep over those that are hurting and lost, when they are able to look on someone with unending compassion, then I know that this is the exact life that we are meant to live. This life, this journey, is molding us, shaping us into the vessels that GOD wanted us to be, not what I wanted us to be.

So when God doesn’t answer your prayer the way you expected or desired realize that HIs answers are life altering and that He has no ill will towards you. He will make your life beautiful., The life might be messy, and overwhelming and utterly exhausting, but HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL. HE has and He will.

Hurricane Florence

You know as a nurse I have spent many nights, days, holidays, special events away from my family. We have rearranged the schedule for certain events so that I could attend. We have sent Matt and the kids without me. And although I have missed many things over the last 15 plus years, I have NEVER ever struggled so much as I did this past week.

This past Thursday I made my way to the hospital, where I stayed until today, Tuesday. I knew that there had been flooding, that there was no power and that my babies were missing me as much as I was missing them. I knew that they were in possible danger, and that no matter what I did there was no way for me to get to them. This last several days has truly been some of the most emotional and physically draining days of my life.

As the hurricane rolled through we dealt with lots of flooding and wind damage within our hospital. We dealt with many co-workers who actually literally lost everything. We dealt with coworkers like me who basically were trapped far from home without knowing if there families and homes were going to be ok.

BUT…… GOD! I cannot believe the strength that He has provided for me, the emotional as well as the physical. Since Thursday I probably haven’t slept more that 12 hours total. I have been unable to turn off my brain, unable to stop being concerned with the loss that others were experiencing. Within all of this God was so faithful.

He allowed me the knowledge that others were loving on my babies, that they were being kept safe and were having a “fun” adventure. There were so many of God’s people that were reaching out to me during this craziness. I literally was able to go to someone’s home the other day, who I had never met, to rest and shower. These wonderful people provided me with food to eat, a hot shower and a bed to sleep in. They were perfect strangers but realizing that I was basically trapped far from home during this hurricane they opened their doors and their hearts to me.

During the actual storm and the subsequent flooding that occurred, again I was blown away by the goodness of so many. Coworkers going above and beyond to ensure the safety of our patients and all within the hospital. We worked beyond the point of exhaustion. But while we worked, while we were continuously cleaning the water that was pouring in, there was smiles, there was laughter, there was new friendships formed. God had His hand in all of this. And it was such a reminder to me of how God meets us wherever we are at. And yes I would say that this was truly one of the hardest weeks of my life, I can happily say that God met me where I was at and carried me through,

There is so much damage to NC. There is so much devastation, there are so many that have lost so much. Pray, pray for NC. Pray for those that are hurting. God can fill each need supernaturally.

No matter your circumstance and how overwhelming it can be, know that God is with you. That He will meet you where you are at. Just ask Him and then: LET GO and LET GOD

A brand new year of possibility

I am one of those mom’s who loves my kids, loves having them home and is sad when they have to be gone all day long…. this summer has been full of great adventure and lots of happiness. This summer has also been incredibly bittersweet. Knowing that all of my babies would be staying at school all day. I have lived this crazy chaotic life of working overnight and coming home and taking care of my kids while Matt is at work and trying to juggle taking a nap and watch the kids. I have closed all the doors to a crawler in the living room and just laid on the floor too exhausted to move and just been a jungle gym for them. I have stayed awake for more than two days when we didn’t have a sitter to watch them so I could nap. But truly? I wouldn’t give back a single moment. I do wish I could have stayed home and not worked, and been able to enjoy all the moments when I wasn’t tired. But that was not a part of God’s plan for our life. So here we are embarking on a new journey. A journey where I have no preschoolers! A journey where I can come home from work and go to sleep and sleep until I wake up. A journey where I have time to be me. It has been twelve years since I brought Sam home. We have had a crazy wild roller coaster ride. And I love my life. I am sad that this phase is now behind me. I am sad that the schools have my kids longer awake than I will.

But I am also excited. Excited for the friendships that will be made. Excited for the learning that will occur. Excited for the adventures, sports, art projects, concerts, and growing up that they will do this year. I am excited to see all that 7th, 5th, 2nd and kindergarten has to offer. I AM EXCITED TO SLEEP 🙂

But I am also concerned. Concerned for the children who are raised in loveless angry homes. Who come to school bitter and angry. The kids who haven’t been taught to be kind and loving and respectful. The kids who have never received love or who don’t know how to love. I am concerned for the teachers that are tired, that are burnt out and don’t receive the support and supplies they need from their district. I am concerned for the parents who don’t parent their children, and don’t correct poor behavior that will affect other children.

But you know what? God knows! God knows our hearts. God knows our needs and sees those who are broken hearted. As I sent my babies to school this week my prayer has been that God will literally shine through them. That when they see kids that are struggling that they will be the nice kids, the kids that help and support and encourage. We spoke about bullies, and we spoke about how bullies probably also are hurting, and that bullies don’t need people to be mean to them, they need people to love on them and be kind and most importantly to pray for them. So that my friends is what I ask you to do. If you are reading these words. PRAY! Pray for our kids, our teachers, our administrators. Pray for the education system in America. Teach your kids to be kind and loving to everyone. God will be with them. God will go before them. God speed my beautiful babies! I love you more than you will ever know! May this be an incredible year!