What now?

These last few days since my appointment with the surgeon I have been reeling really struggling with what to do next. And as I have been seeking the Lord he has been sending my friends to encourage and support me in this path. As a nurse I have always felt led to love on and encourage people who are hurting. Now as I feel that that part of my life has changed I have struggled with what to do next. But my friends this week have shared with me many times in scripture where God used hurting people to change the world.

So right now although I don’t know what’s next I know that God does. This journey is so incredibly difficult and so much different than I expected. But as so many people have reminded me my story will be used for His glory. My testimony will be able to show people how God can use any situation to change lives and lead people to him and then that sense my struggle is worth it. If my journey causes people to trust in God then it all is worth it. Yes I am sad and I am heartbroken over the chance that I may not have to go back to the hospital and take care of patients there. But I also realize that His plan is way bigger than my mind can comprehend and if I can lead people to Christ then all of it is worth it. We need to take our struggles and our pain and use it to bless others and help them in their own journey.

If you are walking your own difficult journey and feeling like you don’t know what’s next and where you’re going know that my God does. He has every step, every person, every blessing, every situation, every moment in His grasp. He doesn’t want you to hurt, He doesn’t want you to struggle, He wants to see you thrive and although He won’t control every situation during your journey here He can use every situation to bless you, to grow you, to prepare you for what’s next. Take heart! He has overcome the world and He knows exactly where you are headed.

Even though I don’t know what is next for me and how our finances will make up the difference for me not working in the hospital I know that my God is bigger than finances, is bigger than pain, is bigger than any situation we face and I know that He’s got me and my family in the palm of His hand and we don’t need to worry about tomorrow and the same is true for you, you don’t need to worry about tomorrow.

“You’re a threat”

Today I had a follow up with my surgeon and we reviewed all the things that have occurred since my last visit with him. Today seemed to be the very first time that he wasn’t hopeful in terms of a full recovery for me. When I asked him what his thoughts were about me returning to work at the hospital like I had been, his response was incredibly discouraging. He said “ I’m not going to say never, but it is very unlikely, and if it does happen it won’t be for a long time.

I left the appointment in a daze. Sure there had been many people in this journey of healing that said they questioned whether I would get better enough to go back to bedside nursing, but the surgeon never made me feel like I wouldn’t eventually get back to the hospital. Today really was hard.

I called a sweet friend and shared my news. I shared with her my feelings of how I believe that God had called and created me to be a nurse. That He has called me to love and care for others, that I am supposed to physically show people His love. I told her that I felt as though I had lost my purpose.

She gently loved and encouraged me. She told me that I was a threat to the devils plan, so the devil has put this roadblock in my path. But that God always wins and that my steps may have changed, but His plan hadn’t.

I don’t know where your at in your life, but I just wanted to say, that no matter what the world has to say to or about you in your journey, God’s plans won’t fail. He will create something beautiful out of your situation. You, are a threat to the devil, so he puts up roadblocks in your path, but it doesn’t change Who is the victor!!!! You keep walking the path that the Lord has for you, it may be hard, you may not understand but it doesn’t change who He is, and what His plan is for you.

TWO WEEKS….

Today marks TWO FULL WEEKS….. two weeks since I walked, slept in my own bed, took care of my family. Two weeks of not being able to walk, feed myself, or use the bathroom. My “day surgery “ with three month recovery felt like this massive undertaking but I thought that I would be back to home and recovery so quickly.

When you are a busy person it is easy to “plan” and schedule your life….when you are stopped from “being “ you, you learn a lot about who and what you are. I am so thankful that God is carrying me through. There is absolutely no way that I could do this without Him…

Guys two weeks ago (the DAY OF MY SURGERY) this was my daily devotional that day. I read it before surgery and then I hadn’t really thought about it until a couple of days ago. When I reread it I was blown away….. God was reminding me BEFORE this craziness happened where I needed to focus. Guys don’t for ONE SECOND ever think that your circumstances are a surprise to Him or that the path you are on won’t be used for His glory. I know He has big plans for me and that this is only the beginning of the rest of my story.

Friendship

Today on Easter I am reminded of how amazing our God is! When I think of the cross and what He did for me there is nothing I can do but rejoice! No matter our situations, no matter our trials, the trials we are in today mean nothing. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the entire world that can change WHO He is and WHAT He has done! Stay focused and keep taking steps towards Him so He can take your life wherever He wants to.

I am still so surprised at the path that I am on. But as we celebrate the incredible gift of eternity that Jesus blessed us with,I am again reminded of His love for us. He loves us so big, and we don’t need to look hard to find the ways. This beauty is one of my dearest friends. I am so blessed and so thankful to have such amazing women in my life. My plan was to be home this week…. But my timing is not His timing so I will enjoy the moments of joy and sunshine in this valley. Thank you for being willing to spend Easter with my family instead of yours, for being willing to juggle all the things this week and for loving us so big.

Let’s Do this!

Today was day one of the intense therapy. If I am honest I will admit that even my tired is tired. I am exhausted, but will work as hard as I can to get better. God gave me what I needed to get through today. Three hours of intense therapy. They used different electrical devices today on both my left leg and left arm. It is so crazy to watch your extremities move when you have no control over them.

Rehab

I received approval for rehab today. To start it is for seven days. It is a very specialized neuro unit.specializing with my specific types of deficits. Thankfully private rooms (thank goodness!). I know that I should be so happy and grateful but I am so very sad as well. I still can’t believe that this has happened. That I can’t take care of myself or my family. I am so ready to be better and stronger and home. I want to snuggle with my kids and watch a movie on my couch. I want to be in church on Easter and for Bible study. I just want to be me again.

Here I am at rehab, this starts the next chapter…. I am trying to focus on the blessing of getting this opportunity knowing that a lot of people don’t get the same opportunity for a full recovery. Tomorrow sounds like it will be quite busy and intense. I am bringing my A GAME and giving it all I’ve got. Knowing that God surrounds me in this battle will keep me pushing towards the finish line…. Please continue to pray for healing, strength and miracles. Pray for my medical team. Pray for my family. This road is so hard…. On a bright note this lovely friend came today to wash and brush my hair. I can’t tell you how thankful I am. Another thing to not take for granted…. The ability to wash and brush your hair.

The Blessing of music

One of my faves. Just got meds and vitals. Awakened to this… what a blessing. This is one of my absolute favorite songs… I am so thankful that I can continue to listen to worship music continuously.

So often when we are in a struggle we focus on the struggle and take our eyes off of Him. I feel like God tries so hard to get our attention and sometimes we miss all of His nudges…. My best friend told me when this all started (realizing that I was going to need surgery) that God was trying to tell me to slow down. That I was needing to get my priorities back in line with His will.

THIS IS SO HARD! I have basically been stopped in my tracks, I can’t care for myself or anyone else for that matter. I can’t work too much or do too much. I can’t do anything for or by myself. But what I can do is get my focus back on Him, and allow Him to get all of my priorities back on Him. So here I am trying so desperately to refocus my life. Please don’t be too busy for Him , to hear His still small voice. He has so much for us….. HE wants to give us so much

Bathroom

Took some steps on my own with walker and two PT/OT people. My goal was the bathroom..,, so close but yet SO FAR AWAY 🤪 I almost made it. Sadly they said still not safe or strong enough to do it but progress is progress. Here’s where I want to go tomorrow….. the bathroom…. it’s so close…… referral sent for rehab. They said usually 7-14 days….. feels like an eternity still before I can go home….. please keep praying. I need them and so does my family.

My day surgery with potential one overnight has turned into such a nightmare. I am so tired and so desperately want to be home. I know that He is here with me but I just want to go home. Just want to take a shower…. Just want to hug and love in my family.

I don’t own this song or the lyrics…. But they speak so deeply to me.

Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes I willI count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won’t fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who’s never late
Is working all things out
Is working all things out

You Define Me

Have you heard this amazing song by Kin Walker Smith? It is such a reminder of who we are in Him…. This 🌎 doesn’t define us, He does. What the doctors are saying? Doesn’t define me! Doesn’t define you! He does….. Let these words wash over you and sink into the depth of who you are…. HE defines you!!!!

I do not own these lyrics….

No whisper can accuse
No rumor can undo
The words You speak, over me
No lie can ever break
No shame can ever steal
The words You speak, over me
You’re speaking over meOnly Your words define me
You tell me who I am
Only Your love can hold me
You make me who I am
You define me, You define meThe author of my days
You’re writing every page
With blood and scars, You heal my heart
Oh, You heal my heartOnly Your words define me
You tell me who I am
Only Your love can hold me
You make me who I am
You define me, You define meNo fear can hold me hostage
No lie can keep me bound
My God has the final word
My God has the final word
No fear can hold me hostage
No lie can keep me bound
My God has the final word
My God has the final wordOnly Your words define me
You tell me who I am
Only Your love can hold me
You make me who I am
Only Your words define me
You tell me who I am
Only Your love can hold me
You make me who I am
You define me, You define me
You define me, You define me
You define me

My God is Bigger!

Things are going so slowly. I am here waiting and believing for a miracle. Waiting for God to give me my strength and sensation back. Waiting for the doctors to come in and be shocked at my God performing this miraculous healing.

I know that all of this will be ok. I know that I am still God’s child, and that He will care for me no matter what. But I want to know that I will walk again, that I will be able to write again, that I will cook, and drive and snuggle with my babies…. I want all of this so much.