This Crazy New Normal

I kind of don’t know where to begin this post. It feels like things have been spinning faster and faster out of control. As I reflect on the last month or so I have learned some things about myself and have literally heard from my Father out loud to calm my fears. As a nurse I have been exposed to many many contagious things throughout my career, which began in 2002. I have been concerned a time or two but never have I been terrified or anxious, never have I lost sleep over the fact that I could bring home some terrible illness to my children.

We have to continuously wear goggles and masks the entire time we are here in the hospital now

Fast forward to 2020, which has been dubbed “the year of the nurse”, I don’t agree with this term, and I certainly don’t feel like nurses are the only people dealing with this COVID-19 crisis. There are so so many people that are dealing with this up close and personal, people that aren’t protected at all. There are non-medical people delivering supplies, delivering food, cleaning etc. There are police, firefighters and EMS that are out there every day as well. There are CO, long term care facilities with technicians, and assistants, there are personal care attendants, there are the cashiers at restaurants, gas stations and grocery stores. There are so so many heros in this equation. But tonight I want to share my insecurity and fears, and share how amazing my God is. Its probably been about 10-12 days since I really began struggling with literal anxiety, which I have never experience before in my life. I have begun struggling desperately to sleep, I have become weepy and scared, and incredibly overwhelmed. I have become consumed with thoughts about what happens if I get sick, and pass away. What will happen to my kids? Or even worse what happens if my children get this and something terrible happens? My oldest has also begun saying things like “Mom if we get it will we die?” And this breaks my heart knowing that my sweet 13 year old boy knows that he is in a high risk category due to his health issues.

And then my God showed up everywhere. He is showing up in the friends, neighbors and strangers around the world, who are praying for and encouraging all those on the front lines. He showed up when people began making and donating face masks, headbands, and other supplies to hospitals. He showed up with the friends who call and text, and pray for you. He showed up in the churches who are literally being the hands and feet of Jesus right now, they are out delivering food to hungry families, they are running errands, and supporting people who are struggling right now due to lack of jobs.

I think when the devil started this mess he thought that it would literally destroy us. But you know what has happened? Families have slowed down, and spent more quality time together. I have been cooking with my kids, doing puzzles and playing games, teaching Sophia to crochet, reading stories together, building homes for the gnomes outside with Preston, so many extra snuggles and cuddles. We have had worship music on almost continuously in my house, and my kids are singing His praises with me almost non-stop.

When the devil started this did he realize that this would be a time that would make people bind together and work harder to support those in need? Did he know that families would get to slow down and love on each other in a deeper way? Did he realize that more people would be exposed to online services and worship would become more personal to each person and their families?

I don’t think he did. And now as we are focusing on the true reason for Easter, and not all of the silliness that people get caught up in, I am finding myself so thankful for this crazy time. Thankful that the focus of our lives has been changed, that the crazy schedules and lack of true personal interaction has stopped. Thankful that this week as we get ready to celebrate the resurrection of my Lord, that Every Single Day my kids will be home, and their education will be geared towards our Lord and Savior.

I just have to sing the praises of God’s people right now. For the people that are going above and beyond to serve others? Thank you! Thank you for serving however you are serving. Thank you for loving on the front line medical staff in such tangible ways that it brings me to tears so often. Thank you to those that are working tirelessly making masks, headbands, hats, food, etc. Thank you to those who are praying for health and strength for dealing with this crisis. Thank you to the businesses that are saying thank you to the frontline workers, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for the prayer vigils, the signs that are thanking the heros, thank you for the food and snacks, thank you for the masks, the headbands, the hats. Thank you for the donations of supplies and anything that you think would be helpful.

As I have focused on how good God is and how His people have truly stepped up to serve more than ever before, my anxiety has waned. Don’t get me wrong, I still have some stress thinking about catching this virus or bringing it home to my family. But I also know that regardless of what tomorrow holds, my God is Still On The Throne, and none of the future is going to happen without Him already knowing. My God holds tomorrow in His hands! And I can take a deep breathe knowing that! Please continue to pray! Pray for our country and our world. Pray that COVID-19 is the turning point for people to get their focus back on our Creator, pray for the health and healing of all infected by this terrible illness. Pray for all of us that are coming in contact with it, and aren’t adequately protected, pray for our families as we work and stress about not being with them. Pray for those that are suffering financially due to the slow down of our economy, pray for our President and leaders that they would do this God’s way. Turn your eyes to Him and allow Him to give you the words to pray!

Sweet Sophia

My sweet girl has had such a terrible few months. She has now had strep six times since September. Her time at middle school has been a challenge due to all this illness. We finally got her tonsils out this month and she has had quite the time recovering from that as well. We spent a few days in the hospital after the tonsillectomy due to dehydration and weight loss, and it was during that period that we are finally starting to look into her being immunocompromised like her siblings. I don’t know why it is hurting me so much to start saying that out loud. I don’t know why it seems so overwhelming and scary. I know this role, I know how to navigate having sick kiddos, but for some reason with her it just feels like too much. And don’t get me wrong, we don’t have any definitive answers that she is, or isn’t but it is just feeling more and more like she is. And I am so sad for her. So sad for what that entails. So sad that another one of my babies may have such a rough road. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I did something that caused this.

My sweet Sophia

My sweet girl has had such a rough go of her transition into middle school. She has been sick so much. She has now had strep throat six times since September. She has missed so much school and has struggled to keep up with the class work. She also has been having some GI issues which have been exacerbated by all the antibiotic use for the strep throat.

We finally had her tonsils and adenoids out this month, and she has had a terrible time recovering from that. She ended up being readmitted for three more days after the surgery due to dehydration and weight loss. Her throat being sore caused her to eat slower, and since her belly was already a mess she was eating even less than previous. In that admission we have really started discussing her immune system and questioning whether or not she may also be immunocompromised like her siblings. I don’t know why that is so overwhelming and scary to me. I don’t know why this is affecting me so much. I know how to do this. I know how to navigate with sick kiddos, I have been walking this road for such a long time. But for some reason this one feels so different. I am so sad for her, so overwhelmed for what this may mean for her. So sad for the rough road that she has been on here lately. Please be praying for my girl. Pray for healing of her body, healing of whatever is going on with her belly (she will be scoped next month to determine what is going on), pray for her immune system, that our God can strengthen and sustain her. That she isn’t immunocompromised like her siblings. Pray for her emotional health, as this has all been very overwhelming for her. Pray for her spiritual health, that she will lean on Him through all of the struggles that she faces. And please pray for me, that I can be the mother to her that she needs, that God will use me to encourage and strengthen her.

Thankful

So often we get caught up in the mundane things of life. The laundry, the dishes, the cleaning. The kids arguing and complaining, the homework, the sports practices, the music lessons….. sometimes there are phases of life with illness and surgeries that just suck the life out of you, sometimes we just are going through this life and we forget what a blessed life we are living. Sometimes its so easy to complain about how tired we are, how busy we are, how overwhelmed we are. Believe me I know! I am right there with you. Here lately I have found myself feeling so overwhelmed, so tired, and even actually sad. Feeling lonely, feeling anxious, feeling frustrated. And I get frustrated when I am feeling them. Frustrated when someone asks me how I am, and the only thing I can come up with is “tired but ok.” “frustrated, sad or scared.”

I hate when the devil gets under my skin, and uses my current circumstances to get me feeling unhappy, overwhelmed, scared, sad….. whatever. Since my Sophia has been struggling so much since December, I have just been so burdened, so worried about what the future holds. So anxious about what the next doctor appointment or result is going to be. Today at church, a wonderful Godly woman prayed over me and spoke life into my weary heart. She spoke peace and strength. She spoke joy. She spoke rest to my weary soul. I can’t even begin to tell you what her prayers have done for my spirit. I can’t begin to tell you how gracious my God is. That He sent this woman to speak to my weary self, to encourage and strengthen me. To love on me when I was feeling so overwhelmed. He is just so good.

You never know what those still small voices will do for someone. When you allow God to speak through you, you may bless someone beyond your greatest expectations. And that is what has happened for me. I am sure that Jessica has no idea, what her words affirmed in my spirit, she doesn’t have any idea what joy and peace and comfort she brought to me. She doesn’t know that I was feeling so weary, so burdened, so alone. But what she did know? That God wanted her to pray and she was willing. She was willing and able. My prayer is that I am always willing, that when that small voice urges me on to do something that I listen and do as He asks me to. Thank you to those that hear Him and listen to His voice. Thank you for being His hands and feet to those that are hurting. Thank you for loving on people who are walking through difficult overwhelming things. Thank you for being Jesus to the world!!!!

True Worship

Have you ever really thought about what true worship is? Have you gotten to that place where you are singing the songs, just to sing the songs because that is what you do? Do you think about the words you are singing? Do you see how they apply to your life?

There was a song called “The heart of worship” that used to be one of my favorites songs. And I remember listening to that song and being reminded what “it” is all about. When I am running late, and my kids missed the bus? It’s all about Jesus. When my puppy pees or poops on the floor? It’s still about Jesus. When my child is sick (AGAIN!)? Its all about Jesus. When I am fighting with my husband? When the freezer breaks and we lose a ton of frozen meat and vegetables? It’s STILL all about Jesus. https://youtu.be/kZ29ueTkSWM

It is so easy to get caught up in the stressors of life, and forget to worship our creator. We were created for this! We were created to worship Him, no matter what the circumstances we are facing, we are called to worship. And you know what? When you worship and take your eyes off of your current situation, you move out of God’s way and allow Him to work in the situation, or work in you. Either way God can do what He has to do if we just throw our hands up and sing to Him.

I know it is hard believe me I do. There have been so many sleepless nights in the hospital with my kids, there have been so many nights at home with someone hurting or anxious…. there have been so many nights when I am praying about a way to pay a specific bill, or how I need to buy something that I don’t quite have enough money for.

This world? Overwhelming at times for sure! I have a sweet friend who is facing her child having surgery and my heart just hurts for her, for the stress that she is feeling. I am lifting her up and praying for God to give her the peace that she needs. In my own walk, those days of being anxious for my kids are the most amazing sweet experiences that I have had with my creator. When you finally say ok God he/she is all yours I trust you, the peace He gives changes my whole world. It is so hard to let go and let Him be in control but I promise you that when you do your whole perspective changes.

When your overwhelmed? Worship Him! When your scared and anxious? Worship Him! When you don’t know how you are going to pay for your car repair or your mortgage? Worship Him! When your baby is sick and you can’t figure out what is wrong? Worship Him! Let Him have the situation and let Him fill you with peace while you are walking this journey! I promise you won’t ever regret worshipping Him in the struggles

Struggling tonight

You know as a mom, I have prided myself with kind of taking things in a stride for the most part with the kids…. premature? No problem I can handle it. Meningitis? Sure no problem. C. Diff? Gross, but I can take care of it…. surgeries? Scopes? Biopsies? Weird blood work? Hospital admission? Ok let’s roll with the punches. I always always know that God is completely in control and I am so thankful.

And you know weird stuff arises and we just keep on going, knowing that He is the author of our story. I often tell myself that I don’t need to stress, don’t need to worry, don’t need to focus on the particular incident at hand…. God gives me such peace through so much of the craziness. But tonight? I am anxious and overwhelmed. You know when Sam was diagnosed with his immune deficiency and the doctors told us that he had a high risk for autoimmune disorders and cancer? I literally was hysterical weeping but then God met me where I was at. Now having three kiddos that are immunocompromised, those risks are tripled. That is a lot to take for my momma ❤️. Today I was saddened to hear of another immune compromised person who has passed away from an infection made worse by being immunocompromised. I have read this persons story and followed their illness…. this was a “normal” physically fit and active person who just in November was competing in track meets and has now passed away. I can’t seem to wrap my brain around how quickly this illness sapped his strength and ability to fight off infection

As I loved on my babies today I couldn’t help but think about this young life that ended too soon, from something that you and I could fight off without even batting an eye. To think that my children could face something similar….. I just can’t even fathom😢

Sweet Sophia, who doesn’t have a diagnosis but sometimes I wonder….

My sweet little Preston, who historically is the one who struggles so much when he gets sick

My baby Paisley Jean, the perfect grand finale to our family

These four babies are my greatest accomplishment. I am so very thankful that God chose me to be their momma…. but tonight I am overwhelmed with the “what if’s….” of the future .

Prayers please

So several years back our sweet cousin was savagely attacked while he was working as a correctional officer. The attack was absolutely horrific. But by God’s grace and mercy our cousin survived and has thrived. Back then we didn’t know what the future would look like for him, or his beautiful wife. But God! He now has his beautiful wife, and two amazing kiddos. All that to say, that sometimes in the midst of a terribly tragic situation it is hard to see that there could be sunshine after the rain, that there will be beauty to follow all the hardship. After the attack on our cousin, I have become more keenly aware of the dangers that CO’s deal with, something that isn’t well publicized at all. That being said, a friend’s brother has been brutally attacked at the same prison where my cousin was attack. Can you please pray for him? And for the other CO’s that were attacked as well? God knows exactly what has occurred and what healings need to take place. Would you please believe with me for complete healing? That each of these CO’s that were injured and their families/friends walk away from this incident realizing the power and greatness of our God?

In other news my sweet daughter who has been feeling sick for a month is finally feeling better! Praise the Lord! This year has been brutal so far for illness for her. I am definitely starting to wonder about her immune system. But prayerfully this has just been a rough patch for her and it is just the adjustment to the middle school germs. She will be having her tonsils and adenoids out next month. And we are hoping that that will eliminate the frequent strep throat infections.

If you so feel led, please just pray for those that are sick or injured. There is so much severe illness and injuries lately. The RSV and flu season has been brutal so far. The little tiny babies and children we are seeing are so so sick. And I have heard that the adults with flu this year are so sick as well. Pray for health please!

And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for our military! I can’t even fathom what they are experiencing right now. I can’t imagine being their parents…… coming from a military family, I experienced my dad and my brother deploy numerous times, as well as cousins and uncles. They need all of your prayers. Please lift them in your prayers as often as you can. My brother in law hasn’t been called to deploy yet, but we are thinking that he will. Please be praying for him, and my sister, and their two small kiddos, age 2 and 5.

Yes I will

So I have heard so many people complaining lately and I get so very frustrated. I feel like as a Christian we should be able to look at our circumstances and realize that no matter how things appear that God is ALWAYS in control as long as we give Him FIRST place in our lives. I have really been trying to focus on His power and His presence in our circumstances. I read something this week about complaining about where God was…. and that if you aren’t in His Word then you shouldn’t be complaining because you haven’t been seeking His answers.

As we begin 2020 my desire and sincere hope is that I keep my focus on the amazing blessings He has given me, and that when my circumstances are challenging that I focus on Him and praising Him through the storm! My desire is to be better at coming to His Word immediately when the world comes at me. To not get anxious, worried, or angry, but instead to immediately come to my Father’s throne and praise Him through it all.

I have started a daily prayer journal in my quest to hold myself accountable. Want to join me? Let’s motivate and encourage one another. Let’s make His Word and seeking His face immediately in every circumstance our first priority. Let’s let Him do His thing, and let’s praise Him in the journey

It’s about the Cross

Merry Merry Christmas! Prayers that you have had a blessed day with your family. As a nurse I have worked many Christmas’, but this year I was off until tonight so I was able to enjoy our birthday party for Jesus last night, a Christmas Eve service as well as waking up with my family this morning. I so enjoy the kids excitement for all things Christmas. My kiddos get all excited about Jesus’ birthday cake, reading the Christmas story (I love Christmas books, and so every year I try to buy a new book that is about Jesus’s birth and then we read them throughout the month of December) as well as the actual story of His birth in the Bible. I love the traditions that my family began, I love that my kids know it is Jesus’ birthday first. Tonight I head back to the hospital for work…..

In years past there have been times when we needed help for Christmas, when I couldn’t do what I wanted to for my kids. There have been times where I was so sad that I couldn’t get that one special thing that one of them wanted. This year, was very different for us in the fact the kids were very specific about their desires for Christmas. They actually didn’t ask for tons of stuff, and just had a couple very specific things. I know this is probably a touchy subject, but we never made santa a big deal in our house. We have always said that it was Jesus’s birthday but that we get the kids some presents. I don’t believe Sam and Sophia ever really even thought about Santa. And now with Preston and Paisley things are totally different. And even though we have never promoted Santa, never told them that he was coming, the world has told them that he was. And in that it has brought a different sense of Christmas in our house. Preston and Paisley realize that their gifts are from us…… but they also wanted to leave out cookies and milk for Santa, and we let them. It felt very strange to me…… but they had a blast with the thought of it. And they still know that it was Jesus’ birthday today.

We had a Christmas musical at our church this past sunday. I am so proud of my children. I will share the link for the service from YouTube. Samuel did an instrumental solo playing my grandfather’s over 100 year old trumpet! He is very hard on himself and doesn’t feel he did a good job, but I think he did amazing! Sophia has been feeling sick for several weeks, and hasn’t actually been practicing her song with the choir, but she blew me away with how wonderful she did singing her solo “Mary did you know?”. Their musical talent is truly a God given gift, and I am so thankful that I get to enjoy it. My sweet Preston was Joseph, and Paisley was a Wiseman. The cool thing about this musical was that Santa actually came…. So the amazing thing was that Santa told the story of Jesus, and at the end he bowed to Jesus…… It was certainly an interesting spin on it, but I think it was cool to point out that all will bow to our KING of KINGS.

Have you heard the song “It’s about the cross” by the Ball Brothers? This song wow! This season is so crazy, the hustle and bustle and visiting and planning and prepping….. When you think of the manger do you also think of the cross? Do you think of His whole life here on earth? Do you think of what His birth did for us? Do you think about the fact that without the manger there would be no cross? Do you think of where you would be without the gift of Jesus?

This year there were so many around us that were going through some painful things, the loss of parents, the loss of a job, or finances, or health. A dear friend of mine is constantly approached by members of the community when there is a family in need. The needs were so great this year. Even just for basics. A 6 year old child with holes in her shoes and her toes sticking out, a family whose entire house burned to the ground, and only the people got out, not their pets, nor anything else, and several more families that were really struggling this year. People we know were struggling with severe illness as well. This year it has felt like the devil really is upping his anti and fighting harder against God’s people. I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who love and serve God however they are called. I am thankful that I was able to help some struggling families, and thankful that it isn’t necessarily financial needs that are always needed, and that God uses whatever we can offer to help others. Helping/giving is the best!

Merry Christmas again! May you be surrounded by His love, your family, and wonderful happy memories of this Christmas and those in the past.

Off to work I go

#Blessed

So recently there has been a post going around facebook comparing our circumstances to those of other populations of the world. Have you seen it? Thought about it? Realized how amazingly blessed we are? It is so easy to get caught up in comparing what this one has, what I have to do compared to her, etc…… We see peoples talent shown on social media, whether it is a beautifully decorated home, children excelling in a specific sport or activity, a person being honored for their work, a spouse being cherished in an extravagant way, a family going on a trip to Disney like you wish you could, someones cooking or baking skills way beyond our own…. the list goes on an on……

When we start to look at ourselves through someone else’s lens of life, we can start to question our unique gifts and talents. We can forget all the ways that God has blessed us individually. Do you have a prayer journal? A place where you write your requests down to your Maker? Do you have a dream or vision of your life, and where you want God to take you?

Sometimes I get caught up in the world of I wish I could be a stay at home mom…. I wish I could have healthy kids? I wish we didn’t have mountains of medical bills? I wish my kids didn’t have to go through all the illnesses, infusions, medications, and specialists……. But then I look at my kids, and I see kids who are wise beyond their years, kids who are empathetic and know how to be selfless and kind to those that are hurting. I see kids that are so brave, and willing/able to take a step out into the unknown, I see kids who absolutely 100% know that God is real, that he is with them, that He is with them each step of the way. Ultimately what occurs in this world matters little, what matters is our walk with Him, our decision to follow Him, and our decision to lead others to Him.

When you start to look at things from a Kingdom perspective, you realize the importance of the things that matter, and how so much of this world really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if my house is completely spotless and could be showcased in a DIY home show or a professional magazine, it doesn’t matter if my kid is the star dancer, beauty queen, or quarterback. It doesn’t matter whether I have a million dollars, or a high profile job….

The thing that matters? Him! 100% him! So dear one, don’t compare yourself to your friend’s facebook post or pictures, or your home to HGTV’s homes. Don’t judge your life by the life someone else has been called to live. God has called you! He has called you by name! He has called you to walk the steps you are walking, to the live the life you are living. He has called you to be the mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt uncle friend, coworker…. to change YOUR WORLD, to change the WORLD around you for HIM. Keep Him as your focus, don’t compare your walk with another. Your crown? Shall be given to you in GLORY, and there is nothing that can compare to that.